Save Me From Myself
Hey. I don't really have any interesting story to share with y'all for this week because..
I feel so fucked up these days. It's back. The old me is back. Those dark thoughts are haunting me again. Wow, nice. It's not even the 2nd month of 2016 but I already feel so done with everything.
Now I don't care if anyone's gonna judge me saying that I'm just an attention seeker for posting this, or probably ada sesiapa yang nak cakap aku ni just nak ikut trend hipster kejadah or whatsoever la yang dok post benda2 broken bagai ni. Heh. Lantak situ, idc anymore.
Aku ni jenis yang senang rasa motivated and in the same time senang juga hilang motivation. When I'm upset, I shut myself down, I'll stay away from everyone just because I don't want anyone to notice the broken me. I have no motivation for anything, I tell myself that nobody cares, even though of course I know someone do.
I think about all of the negative things I could possibly think of. I give myself all the pain thinking I deserve it. I'm not sure why I do that, but that's just how I am. I'm tired of all these wars inside my head. Macam sekarang ni, ada dua je yang 'control' aku, negative side vs. positive side. Dan minggu ni.. aku selalu kalah dengan negative side aku. Banyak buang masa, banyak menangis eventho takde sesiapa pun yang buat aku rasa heartbroken.. it's the voices inside my head saying that I'm not good enough, not hardworking enough, not brilliant enough and I swear.. I've tried so many things to make it stop. Please someone.. make it stop.
Aku rasa fed-up betul dengan semua benda. Rasa macam aku ni worthless gila, macam aku dah tak boleh buat apa-apa. Aku tak ingat since when this kind of feelings datang balik dekat aku, probably since last Tuesday.. Aku still ingat, hari tu aku menangis dalam kelas sebab rasa burdened gila. Rasa stress nak mampus. Especially masa kelas Bahasa Arab & Math. Rasa nak meletup otak aku.
I'm afraid. I'm slowly becoming my old self again : crying over things that I can't change. I feel like dying right now, it feels like my whole world is crumbling down. Things are getting out of control again. I tried my best to prevent myself from feeling anxious and stressed out due to the amount of works that I need to do. I usually would watch some videos of iKON my babies after I cried so that I can lift up my mood, and yeah, I did smiled and laughed altough tears still roll down my cheek haha. They're my ultimate happy pills and tear jerker in the same time, I always feel emo whenever I watch videos of them or even just..pictures of them. Damn son what have you done to me..
My anxiety attacks are coming back. I hate having anxiety, seriously. I can go threw a normal day without panicking. I hate constantly worrying all the freaking time. I hate crying because I'm having a panicattack and I can't handle it. I hate wanting to scream because I'm so frustrated. I want it to go away. It's so hard to be calm. I always feel like something bad is happpening. It's getting worser everyday and I can't stop or slow it down.. I can't even live my life anymore. I'm always scared, worried, nervous, anxious, panicking and paranoid. No one understands, no matter what words I use I'll never be able to describe how it feels inside..
Most people thought fangirls ni 24/7 happy go lucky je dok fangirling gila2 tak ingat dunia. No, honey you're wrong. I enjoyed fangirling so much because it's like an instant cure. Memang lah ada cara yang lagi baik nak lupakan rasa sedih & down tu but I love this one the most, please don't judge me. I'm so done with judgemental people around me heh. By the way kalau aku fangirling aku macam..a completely different person, especially when it comes to iKON. Aku rasa bukan aku sorang je macam ni sebab aku tau most iKONICs pun banyak jenis macam aku, over-emo pastu protective gila. Tapi aku ni rasanya more to possessive than protective luls again don't judge me okay.
Minggu ni kan, aku selalu terbangun pukul 2.30 pagi, hm maybe Allah nak suruh aku buat solat-solat sunat and alhamdulillah most of the times aku buat kalau terjaga. And lepas tu usually aku tak sambung tidur and terus masak breakfast then study or tulis diary.
On Tuesday's morning, benda pertama yang 'greet' aku masa aku check phone : Zahirah spam Whatsapp cakap pasal malam tadi Yunnie buat live broadcast, dia buat cooking show (LOL) pastu makan dengan Donghyuk haha. Aku dah tidur masa live broadcast tu, so memang meroyan la pagi2 buta masa aku baca message Zahirah tu haha. Heh btw aku memang missed banyak gila updates.. Dah jarang scroll Twitter :( Aku sempat tengok "Yun's cooking show" tu pun hari Jumaat lepas huhu. Semalam Reen datang rumah then kitorang tengok Kony's Island, I had a good time laughing kekeke. Lepas habis tengok Kony's Island terus tengok Yun's cooking show hahahaha I literally screamed 'That's my boyfriend' from the start 'til the end :') Yun why you gotta be so ideal sobs
And..lepas solat Zohor aku rasa..down gila. Damn dahlah Reen still ada dalam bilik aku. Aku tiba-tiba rasa nak nangis. Then aku buat keputusan nak tidur. It's better than crying in front of her, seriously. Rasa serabut gila masa tu, I almost cried but then aku tertidur. Well, for me sleep is like an escape from reality. And sometimes aku rasa nak hidup dalam 'mimpi' aku selamanya.
Bangun-bangun je aku macam amnesia pastu siap tanya lagi dkt Reen 'Siapa ni?' astaga I don't even know kenapa aku jadi macam tu. Aku tak sedar langsung aku tertidur, padahal 2 jam kot aku tertidur. Hm..
As I said before, nothing much happened last week. Aku dapat jadi PRS, join Sahibba (saje try nasib), had some mental breakdowns, anxiety attacks etc, and mostly habiskan masa menangis. I've expected it already. I've lost myself again. Entah ke mana positive side aku menghilang, seems like 'dia' ada masa minggu pertama 2016 je, lepastu lesap and negative side aku yang 'menang'. These days I feel so exhausted eventho I've slept a lot. A lot tu sebenarnya takdelah banyak mana, around 5 hours a day je pun. But yeah, I'm tired, it's not the kind of tired that sleep can cure.
Tbh aku benci bila sorang-sorang dalam bilik, ha masa tu lah paling gila 'suara-suara' dalam kepala aku dok 'memekak'. Macam lawak cara aku cakap tapi for real. Tapi kalau aku dekat public pulak, pastu tiba-tiba menangis or meroyan, lagi susah heh nanti orang ingat aku gila pulak. Heh altough in fact I'm already insane. Aku benci kalau ter-menangis dekat public, seriously. Or should I say panic attacks in public. Damn. Aku pernah weh. Teruk gila. Almost 4 jam kot aku nangis non stop, sambil tulis segala yang aku fikir dalam diary, ada la dalam 10 mukasurat aku tulis. Dahlah dekat sekolah masa tu, Ya Allah malu tu memang aku tolak ke tepi memang mental & emosi aku tak betul gila. Aku malas nak bagitau dekat kawan-kawan aku kenapa aku menangis and I let them know by themselves, err, I mean bagi dorang baca segala yang aku tulis tu.
Duh, asal tiba-tiba aku throwback hari teruk tu pulak? Ish.
Aku benci bila teringat benda-benda yang aku nak lupakan. I mean, kenangan. Bila teringat, mulalah aku nak menangis berjam-jam sambil dengar lagu-lagu yang aku selalu dengar masa 'zaman tu'. Contoh? Lagu Just One Day by BTS, Empty by Winner, Tell Me Goodbye by Bigbang, Come To My by Seungri, Come Back Home by 2NE1 and more. Oh, zaman tu, I mean 'zaman asrama' a.k.a zaman yang mengubah hidup aku. FYI lagu-lagu Team B / iKON takdelah banyak sangat kenangan sedih ke apa, for me my memories with iKON is like a new beginning :') Yang aku selalu ingat bila dengar lagu-lagu iKON ialah kenangan-kenangan masa aku rasa bahagia :') Ew, cheesy gila ayat aku lol. But yeah, aku sebenarnya menangis juga dengar lagu iKON even yang jenis loud tu haha, a bit weird actually lol. Hoi..gosh macam mana tiba-tiba aku boleh bebel macam-macam pasal lagu ni? Bukan sebenarnya aku cakap pasal throwback ke? ._.
Ok, actually aku ni jenis yang suka betul throwback kenangan-kenangan masa zaman asrama dulu. I mean, kenangan yang happy je lah, yang sedih tu buat apa nak ingat heh. Tapi..lately aku rasa macam semua benda yang aku buat reminds me of those days, when I was so depressed. Not just a normal flashback, it's so vivid idk why..and ofc it's scary. Those kind of flashbacks always got me locking myself in the room.
Last 2 weeks, according to my blog post and my diary, I was so positive. I was so productive and didn't cry much. I thought I'm finally FREE FROM DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY. But definitely I was wrong. 'They' left me for a while and..they come back stronger. Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It's the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It's wanting friends but hate socialising. It's wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It's caring about everything then caring about nothing. Some days I love everything and some days I hate everything. It's feeling everything at once then feeling paralysingly numb. I'm afraid because I know I can't fight forever. I..don't know anymore.
Someone, save me from myself.
I think I hit the point in life where, I'm just done. I cried, I fought, I tried. But eveything is crashing down. My demons are screaming louder, trying to eat away the rest of me. And this time, I'm not going to fight back.
Off topic but here's a little iKON aprreciation post because their debut promotion era is coming to an end :(
I can't believe it's finally the end of your debut promotion era omg I need tissues..I remember the painful waiting era, when the fandom spazzed over unseen pics for days, but we're always grateful for everything and wait for you patiently. Eventhough waiting is so tiring, but we know you're worth the wait. I remember skipping school just because I want to stream 5 live broadcasts of your summer vacation lmao. My fav. moment of the debut promotion era is the debut concert, of course. Nothing can beat that. You gave me roller-coaster of emotions, in a span of 3 hours I cried, laughed and smiled streaming the debut concert in the hotel room at Cameron Highlands lol I'm still quite bitter that I wasn't home during the debut concert and your first stage on Inkigayo OTL ( I had a good time there tho ) Y'all were so beautiful during the debut concert, and Long Time No See Stage is just..so perfect, I still cry so hard whenever I watch it. I enjoyed the concert so much, tysm babies. Not just the concert, I love all of your performances on Inkigayo, Mcountdown, grand stages like MAMA, MMA, SMA, GDA and more, gosh words can't describe how proud I am. From your first stage on Inkigayo, until your last stage yesterday, you never failed to make us proud, I love how passionate y'all are when performing :') Actually it's quite tiring trying to catch up updates when I'm busy handling school stuffs but yeah I totally enjoyed everything you gave us. You taught me so many life lessons. You taught me to work hard to achieve my dreams. You're so special to me, you're more than just handsome oppas (lol). You're beautiful inside out, especially my one and only Yun oh gosh ;-; you always got me crying heh I hate you so much..
I love my fandom so much, the fandom is so unexpected haha, sometimes we're horny af, sometimes we're over-emotional then do throwbacks (which I hate the most asdfghjkl), sometimes we hate you so much for being so thirsty for girls & embarassing hahaha. But in the end of the day, we'll always be there for you and say "YOU MAKES US PROUD". iKONICs are so different than other fandoms in my opinion lol we always call you 'sons' or 'babies' and of course I'm not excluded eventho I'm younger than all of you lmao. Okay I don't wanna write much, just wanna say thank you for everything dear iKON. Thanks for the great musics and great memories. This is just the beginning :')
I can't promise to stay with you forever, but hey. Let's slowly walk together in path of flowers till the end. I love you and I'll miss you for sure :(
I can't promise to stay with you forever, but hey. Let's slowly walk together in path of flowers till the end. I love you and I'll miss you for sure :(
Ok that's all haha, I'm so cheesy HAHAHA.
dont hate me. luls.
This post is so..weird haha. Thanks for reading.
Monday, January 25, 2016 • January 25, 2016