Assalamualaikum & Hi. Sorry for not posting anything for almost 5 months. I'm about to start my 100 days of productivity challenge, so I guess it's good to start the challenge with publishing a new blog post. I've some stories to share :) 

Anyway, salam Ramadhan~ pft raya dah nak dekat baru nak wish lol. Honestly I'm not in the mood to celebrate Eid. I hate crowds, sorry, no offense. Lately I just want to stay in my room 24/7. I know it's not good, but what can I do? I'm such a mess nowadays. I'm living my worst nightmare, literally. Okay, I'll explain later. Since I've been gone for too long, I'll start with some stories from March-June.

March 2016

//bcs March was an awesome + productive month//

1. Bullet journal

I really got addicted w/ Studyblr & bullet journal. I was inspired to start bullet journalling after I watched some videos on Youtube. I started my bullet journal on this month. Ah, bring me back to those days please. I miss spending so many hours on my bullet journal. Well, if you're wondering what is bullet journal..it's literally the same as planner. The journal itself can be any notebook you want. At first I used an A4 notebook from Daiso and I DIY-ed the front cover. Back then I used to be so proud of it haha, but now I kinda feel like it's quite childish & too colourful. It's not bad though, but I won't share it here lol. I've experimented many styles on decorating my bujo with headers, fonts etc. The beauty of this system is, you can personalise it. I divide my page into two parts, for the 'top part' I'll write something about my day & how I feel on that day blahblahblah like a normal journal/ diary, then on the 'bottom part' of the page, I usually paste some sticky notes for my to-do-list, homework list, reminders and quotes. I spent nearly 1 hour everyday on bullet journalling. It's not 100% fun actually lol don't be fooled guys. I always feel frustrated & I cried a lot if my bujo spread didn't turn out well. Overall,  Bullet journal helps me a lot to be productive. I enjoyed decorating my bullet journal with pics of iKON, quotes, sticky notes, stickers etc. 

2. Studyblr

I discovered the amazing studyblr community after watching Leo Studies videos. I got addicted scrolling through studyblr and studyspo tags on Tumblr. I learned many things from Studyblr community. Sometimes I feel weird for using my fangirling acc to reblog studyblr stuffs. Hahaha. 

3. Ujian Bulanan 1 

First exam of 2016. Ugh I was so stressed out during the study week. I wasn't well-prepared though, as usual heh. The results weren't so bad anyway. I got the second place in the class, I was a bit frustrated about that heh. I got 98 for B.Arab alhamdulillah. I'm so proud of my marks for B.Arab & PAI. Thank god I passed my Math exam heh. I felt so relieved after the exam week ends. We had one week of school break. I didnt do much stuffs though, I even stopped bullet journalling once the school break starts sigh. Most probably because I was frustrated with UB1 results.. 

April 2016

The first week of April was fine. I was happy and all good. I also started to like someone. Well, I was terrified at first. Here's what I wrote on 2nd April 2016 : 

"I'M IN TROUBLE. I feel so fucked up. I'm in love and it's fcking dangerous. Y'all know what'll happen when I have a crush on someone right? I SHOULD NOT BE IN LOVE. Because I can't control my possessiveness, no kidding. Aw come on Aida, snap it out. Don't fall for him. 8.27 a.m-OH SHIT. Accident eye contact with that bastard. Damn I feel so uneasy god I wanna go home Song Yunhyeong please save me I want to be loyal to you, no one else. Shit, crushing hurts. Is it only me? Well, probably because I've been not-interested-in-boys for so long. Shit this is gonna be a hellish day. Why he gotta be so attractive :( But to be honest I badly wanna take pic of him secretly altough that's super desperate. And oh, I'm actually shaking right now holyshit. He gave me the same feeling **** and my babies always gave me and that's not good :( How beautiful is this life, how painful is this life :("

Ugh that was so cringe-worthy LMAO. I feel like vomitting right now lol. Yes, he is my first crush, I didn't have any for so long, the last time I had a crush on someone was 4 years ago. Sometimes I wondered AM I STILL STRAIGHT? Because I always feel like I've lost interest in boys. Don't worry guys, I'm still straight lol. Anyway.. I didn't know much about that guy since I'm still considered as a newbie in my school. I've never seen him last year. Ever since that day.. I always saw him by accident haha. I'm such a creepy stalker sometimes.. But one day.. I discovered something that broke my heart into pieces. Haha, well you all guessed it.. He is someone else's. I lied to myself, I said I'm fine I still have Yunnie anyway blahblahblah. Bullshit. It affected me so bad, I felt so miserable. I can't focus on school works anymore. Ugh it took me about 2 weeks to recover from the heartbreak.. Then I had another problem.

April is not the best month of 2016 for sure. I had a lot of bad days. Something bad happened between my friend and I. It lasted for 2 weeks. I cried a lot. It's my fault afterall. I always push people away. It's always obvious when I ignored someone. She noticed it, and yeah that's how it started. We didn't talk for so long, she acted like I didn't exist. I don't blame her though because I ignored her first and I didn't treat her nicely. Um okay, but that's not the end..(tbc)

Side stories : 

I joined Scrabble district level competition and my school team got the 4th place, well I don't consider that as bad since that was the first time I played Scrabble anyway. It's a good experince yet so terrifying lol. I had to compete with form 4 & form 5 students. I'm not close with my team members, they're kind though (and pretty too hehe). I was shaking so hard everytime I put the tiles on the board. Damn and my team partner & even the opponent told me to relax HAHAHA idk whether to laugh or cry. I was extremely nervous hence the shaky hands.. duh. Ah, it's a memorable day for me, idk why. I'll definitely join this kind of competition next year, I learned something new :) 

Err btw I'm sorry for not talking much about KPOP on this blog. I still love iKON sfm tho :) I just don't like to mix KPOP & my personal life sometimes hehe. On April Yunhyeong (aka the love of my life) finally become a Nivea brand model :D I'm so happy for him ahh.. The Wish You Shine video is kinda cringe-worthy hahaha (sorry babe).. I like this part though ^_^

Um I think that's it for April. 

May 2016

May was so much better than April. So many good things happened to me. I don't know where to start lol, but I think I'll start with the happiest memories. 2.5.2016- 8.5.2016 was one of the best weeks in my life. On 3rd May, it was the first day of school, I thought it will be a normal Tuesday, but nah I'm wrong. During lunch break, I went to canteen as usual, I saw my crush with his friend but I just try to act normal, I told myself to stop liking him haha. Oh then..something UNEXPECTED happened. He talked to me. I was so nervous, I felt like dying lol. Well, he asked for my wc ID. Once I got back from school I quickly added him on wc. I skipped some parts, bcs most of them are embarassing. He told me that he liked me. I was in disbelief of course. I thought it was a prank, I really thought someone spilled my secrets. We talked to e/o nearly everyday via wc, I though it will be awkward but not really actually, I just treated him like a normal friend. No strings attached. He's still in a relationship w that girl though. Until now, (3.7.2016) it's been 3 months since we started to be friends. I don't have feelings for him anymore. I gave up on my feelings for him, I don't know if he still have feelings for me but I don't care anymore. We're just friends, nothing more than that. He's a good guy though, I don't really know what's so special about him, I can't seem to explain it haha, he's just so attractive and as weird as me. I don't really talk about personal stuffs with him, mostly I'll just ask about school stuffs or even his girlfriend (his gf knew about our friendship btw) and some random stuffs everyday. He's not that kind of guy who's soooo narrow-minded about KPOP, at least that's what I think. But of course lah I don't talk about KPOP with him. We always help each other when it comes to school work. Really, nothing more than schoolmates & friends. Not gonna lie he once made me feel so loved though HAHAHA, I'm not gonna fall for him, I promise. Song Yunhyeong & iKON is enough (ew lol) 

Other than that, during the same week, I've decided to just forget what happened between my friend and I during April, she apologized too, and both of us decided to just forget it. Alhamdulillah. I'm so grateful for that. 

By the way, I've another exam on May : PPT. And again I wasn't well prepared. I was so mentally unstable during the week before exam, because of iKONCERT. They're coming in August. Fuck I'm doomed. I cried a lot because I knew I can't go. What a sad life. I lost my motivation to study, I was so reckless, I was like "ah lantak situ apa nak jadi, jadi lah". I only studied the night before the exam. BUT MY PPT RESULTS ARE TOTALLY UNEXPECTED.

I swear I'm not being "merendah diri" ke apa. I hated my results. I don't deserve it. I got 7A 1B 1C (PT3 subjects), I got B for English (83..so close to A heh) and that C is obviously because of Math HAHAHA. I got the first place for both class and the entire batch. Anyway, again, I don't deserve it. I'm not being ungrateful, I'm just stating the truth. The results came out on my birthday (6th June) and I cried because of it. Dear God I'm just purely confused. I feel so bad for everyone else. My teachers praised me a lot, but I feel like crying even more. I feel like they're not talking about me at all. I feel like there's 2 souls living in my body, I don't know how to explain it. I hate it when people call me genius, brilliant blahblahblah. I'm not. It's purely luck, there must be a mistake, for sure. AH I feel like crying again, why do I even start this topic.. I'm such a mess.

Back to the happy memories of May.. iKON released a new song y'all! It's so unexpected to be honest. I'm so glad they didn't promote WYD, they're busy enough, The Remix..Asia tour..sigh..when will YG let them rest though? Sobs..BUT WYD IS A MASTERPIECE! I love everything about WYD! I swear ahh it's such a relaxing song, I love to listen to it when I'm getting ready in the morning. It's a perfect song to listen to when studying too :) They all look so good in the MV omg, no more tragic hairstyles/outfits I'm so grateful >< 

fav.part, of course asdfghjkl he's so cute here omg my heart hurts ≧◡≦

chanwoo bby be my boyfriend and i'll let you read my diary everday ><

he's unreal.

i'm quitting my life

precious hanbinnie :(

bobby's partner is my fav tbvh <3

i don't have much to say for his part but tbvh it's soo not jinhwan err lol

adongrable T_T

:(

June 2016

Nothing much happened during the school holiday. My birthday is just a typical day tbh, nothing special other than I get to eat a pepperoni pizza all by myself, I don't have to share for the first time lol. All I do everyday is sleep tbh. So extremely exhausted w school. I feel so drained, both physically and mentally. I cried a lot too, for some reasons. I'm getting tired of the same routine. I'm no longer so motivated in my studies, I procrastinated too much. I don't know what to do. I feel so..empty and lifeless. June was so boring. I hope July won't dissapoint me. Probably I'm just so stressed out bcs PT3 like 3 months (or less) away from now. 

 July 2016 

Recently, something bad happened to me. I don't want to talk about it. I feel like dying, last week all I can think of is c*t**** myself. I'm sorry, to everyone. I just keep saying sorry. I need help. But I feel like no one will understand. How can I explain to someone when I can't even understand my own problem? Some nights I still cry myself to sleep and I still want to die. I know this is a sensitive topic but I need to let it out. I know I didn't "choose to be sick" but I still feel like it was all my fault. 

I said I don't know because that had become my answer to everything. I lost everyone, including myself. I lost myself again. I'm sorry for always being ignorant and reckless. I don't deserve to live. 

Sigh. When will this end? I'm sick of everything. I'm sick of pretending to be fine. Things just went wrong too many times. Do you ever feel like crying because your life is so shitty and you just keep messing up? 

Bye for now. I'll continue later with less depressing post. I know I shouldn't spread bad vibes. Have a good day everyone.